Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Why are there so many crappy people in this world?
I am thankful for all the people in my life, that you are not crappy.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
When you live in reaction, you give your power away. Then you get to experience what you gave your power to. ~N. Smith
Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise. ~ unknown
Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got.~Janis Joplin
Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny. ~Kathryn Carpenter
The best way to predict your future is to create it. ~Peter Drucker
Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours. ~Swedish Proverb
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
this makes me grumpy...
it's about 70degrees out, sun is shining, no wind. i got some good sleep last night so i'm feeling energized and motivated...to do something that i want to do. instead, i will leave for work and come home 6hours later to some physics homework. joy.
too many obligations. i miss the carefree days of childhood...where when you felt like riding your bike, you rode. you're tired...you nap. you get to be selfish and no one looks down on you for it.
don't get me wrong...my life is good. there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. i think i will start setting aside one hour for myself everyday. in that hour i will commence to all things selfish.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
i have revisited an old favorite song of mine by the pixies..."where is my mind" it's completely addictive to me.
somewhere on the other side of a lot of hard work, time, and tears is the person i'm striving to be. nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it.
you ever feel like you're on a different page than the rest of the world? i do. everyday in fact.
here's to feeling sane again. cheers.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
just when i think i'm getting somewhere and learning a bunch...we have a little question sesssion...after hearing things such as "preganglionic parasympathetic axons are located in the IML from yada yada yada..." and all i can think is oh shit. i know i'm not alone...but every few days, after working really hard and feeling good about it i wind up back at this stupid hopeless feeling. That if i could function without sleep, there is still not enough time or energy to learn all of this well enough. SO you give it your best and call it a day. Regardless of how well things go, as long as I continue to give my best there should be no worries or regrets.....also, this is easier said than done.
secondly, i feel disconnected from the world...which is understandable because i spend 5 days a week at school with people like me and cadavers. i spend the other two studying, taking quizzes and maybe trying to see allen for a couple hours. i don't remember what it's like to be carefree, or to think "what do i feel like doing"
third....spending every ounce of my being doing all the things i have to do has left me feeling like i don't even remember who i am. this may sound dramatic but it hits me the most when i hear of "normal" (haha yes i'm crazy) people who have a life, who take vacations, who enjoy their hobbies, who live with spontaniety, who kick back and relax.
fourth......stop and go traffic every day during rush hour. 5 days a week. stupid drivers. they're everywhere.
fifth...what the hell is splancnic nerve?
seventh.... whether monday is good or bad....beer will be consumed after.
eighth....i know nothing is really that bad. i just currently have no time for anything outside of school and work, which causes a lot of bad emotional side effects.
august 14th = first finish line.
and on a brighter note, al and i have been together 10 months today.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
a faint memory.
just tryin to keep my head above water.
never, never, never give up. things are always hard before they get easier.
i will persevere.
thanks to those who have encouraged me, or kept me in your thoughts and prayers. i wish each of you could sit for a day in my class or go to lab so that i quit sounding like such a pansy. it's intense stuff...but somehow someway if i keep giving my best i will survive.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
I guess I do well with it, until I see or hear what everyone else is doing...having a typical summer... playing at the lake, eating sno cones, watching movies, relaxing. And I think of my time....reading, studying, school, work, more studying, and maybe a quick call to say hi to my boyfriend.
I'm sure I sound like I'm complaining and maybe I am...but only that it is a huge adjustment from seeing my boyfriend everyday and being able to work and then relax. I don't regret choosing this path in the least. It's just going to take some accepting that right now I don't have time for anything other than school. I miss friends, my boyfriend, and being carefree.
On a totally different note, I am more than excited about where this program will take me. It is intense and I have had no doubts that I am going to feel so proud and rewarded by the end of it. So if I fall off the face of the Earth for 2 years, forgive me. In the past I probably would have blown off school to play with friends, or attend whatever social hoorah was going on. But now, being old and wise (haha), I have a focus for what I have to do to get where I want to be. I just hope that some of you are still around when I will be so "out of the loop" which I'm already feeling.
I am so thankful that my boyfriend deals much better with this and has a very clear perspective on it all. After having a meltdown, he made it very clear that there is no need to feel upset about not seeing him as much as I'd like or anyone outside of school for that matter. Because while I won't get to see anyone very much for the next couple years, after that I will be set. I feel very confident that this program will put me in a great place career-wise. And it having no life and working 7hours (that's seriously how little time I have free of school/studying) a week at target is what I have to do to get there, then that's what I need to focus on.
I'm not even sure that this post is really for anyone but myself. I guess I just wanted to apologize for my absense in so many friends lives. I am so wound up in mine that I can't just get together with everyone everytime I feel like. This is definately my selfish time in life, mainly because I don't want to screw any of this up for myself. I've worked too hard to get distracted now. This is my future, and it's very important to me that I'm successful in it.
As obvious by this post, I have had so much spinning in my head/emotions this past week. I just want everyone who reads this to know that I love and care about them as I always have.
take care everyone and stay in touch. love.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
4pm...mom's home. she pushed a few buttons and wa la! things are workin.
I had lunch with my minnesota-dwelling friend today. she's about to take off to go work at a summer camp. even hearing the words "summer camp" brings back loads of memories from my 2 camp jobs. By far, the best way to spend a summer is working at a camp...and getting paid to play. I'm excited for the adventures and experiences that await her.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I've found it very upsetting how much time I waste dwelling on a moment in the past that didn't go as I wished, or feeling anxious about the uncertainty of the future.
I've also finally recognized how slow I am to let go of the bad moments. I remember them forever it seems, and always manage to let the moment drag on, til something abrupt or someone even drags me out of it. And it ends in tears of frustration, not even about the moment, but instead frustration for still being upset/angry/sad hours or even days later.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend seems to have this flow naturally to him. He may have a bad moment or every once a blue moon a bad evening. But he is almost always cheerful and happy to be alive, even if something has not gone his way at some point in the day.
After reading on a few sites about "mindfulness" I feel hopeful. Because I know while everyone says life is mind over matter, it does not always feel that way. Moments of anxiety creep up unannounced, and while I can consciously think through all the reasons I should let it go I manage to still be pondering it later. And by then, I want to burst at the thought that I have wasted so much energy, happiness, and time for something so silly.
I guess it is so easy to tell someone to "live in the moment, don't dwell on the past or worry about the future." But the challenege comes in answering "how do you live in the moment?" how do you enjoy and accept each moment and not let it ruin the next moment.
So often my mind is just flooded with thoughts that I drag myself every which direction but the present moment. If I'm out late and I have to work the next day, I'm thinking about how tired I will be. When instead I should fully enjoy what I'm doing at that moment, being grateful for life, and deal with being tired in the morning when it comes. Being aware that waking up will not be pleasant does not make waking up early any better or easier. So why ruin that one moment thinking about the next?
This is definately one of my issues. And a totally personal post. But I think that by writing this out, I can express those questions and thoughts about such a simple motto that I really struggle to carry out.
I almost feel like I sound somewhat crazy. But it's easy to understand why there are so many mental health issues these days with depression and anxiety. How can you expect to be truly happy if you're regretting the past and feeling anxious about the future?
And this is by far the most I've ever thought about this. I truly believe that if I continue to let so many moments rule my life, that my last final thought will be why did i take so many days and moments for granted.
So this is a wake-up call to my own mental well-being. And anyone else who has also lost track of what it means to live in the moment.
Maybe this blog will be an outlet for me to focus my thoughts this way and become better at this. Or maybe it won't? I'm open to whatever way it leads me.
Love you all.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
I don't feel like a post my life online kind of person. And even writing that statement I immediately think that it probably offends some, which it shouldn't. This just ain't my bag.
So long bloggy, blog blog world. I'll be a spectator now.
Monday, April 6, 2009
tuesday- wake up early for class, lunch break, lab, homework time, work til 11 at earliest
wednesday- wake up early for lab, lunch break, work til 10
thursday- wake up early for physics test, lunch break, work til 11 at earliest
friday- wake up early, class followed by lab, mosey home and relish not having to go to work..
saturday- sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep in. and figure out when i'm going to sit down to do my taxes (which i've never done on my own)
and somehow i'm supposed to make time for my boyfriend and my family and studying.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
I look out the back window and I see someone on a dirtbike riding around their backyard. Then, I see another kid on a john deere lawn mower...with a camera...totally not watching where he's going while filming this other kid on his dirtbike, going over some tiny dirt mound with a little "jump."
My names Jenny Johnson and I live in Oklahoma.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
This is how I will remember my grandpa. This picture was taken a couple of years ago. It's funny how your mind tries to flood with a bunch of memories after someone passes away. Maybe it's the minds way of trying to hold onto everything you remember about them so that you don't forget who they were and what they were all about.
So this is a tribute to my grandpa. He was by far the most unselfish person I've met. I'm pretty sure everything he did was about taking care of my his family. He was one of those people who had such a focus on what really mattered. Someone who truly knew God. And I feel complete peace knowing that him and my grandma are now reunited. And my thoughts go out to my dad, he tells stories all the time about my grandpa and bent overbackward for him til the very end. I know this is a hard time for him. I just can't even imagine.
So sorry for the heavy post, but I had to remember one last time just how great my grandpa really was. He'll be missed. What a sweet old man.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I suppose it's been awhile since I've wanted something so badly, and fully put forth the effort to get there. I think I'll feel much better when my Ark. transcript reaches me and I can get all my transcripts sent in to the health sciences center. Then comes a grueling waiting and seeing process.
So nervous. Just ready to have everything turned in.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I'm in a really great mood today, even though all I have in front of me is homework and studying. Just happy.
and also, I'm pretty excited. The Fray's new cd comes out Tuesday :)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
-be more patient
-write my friend Jenn in Australia, because I have failed so far at ever sending anything to her
-not always be in such a rush, truly appreciate the moments
-continue to put 100% into being successful in school
-go through all the crap I own before the end of 2009 and rid myself of everything I don't need or use and donate it
-deposit money into savings more regularly
-have less jobs this year than I did in 2008 (6 jobs is a few too many for one year)
-make more time for the people I love
-love, love, love
and the one thats a far cry these days..... working out (wah wah sad trombone)