peace

allen and i seem to have been brought closer by knowing what we almost lost. obviously time will be the true teller as to whether almost losing each other helped us to better appreciate what we had lost in one another, but we have talked more than ever, and most of all refound that friendship in one another. we are working on things, with both of us having a new outlook on the relationship.

its easy to lose track of what you have til its gone, or almost gone. i know that there is always a chance i'm wrong and that one day i may eat my own words saying i should have known. but i don't feel like that now, i feel like we have fresh eyes for one another and that i would regret not seeing if it will work. i would rather know than wonder.

i have so many wonderful people that care about me who have expressed concern, and it means the world. i love all you guys.

where do i go from here?

So it's Christmas...and I'd be lying if I said things were ideal. I managed to get so stressed out by the uncertainty of my relationship that I got shingles, like painful chickenpox for old people. I am now educated about shingles and don't wish them upon anyone. Painful stuff. and now...for the raw honesty part.

Allen and I mutually decided we should break up. After years of friendship and some dating and over 2 years together. Things have been confusing for some time and I know that we both feel this is the right decision. We both still deeply care for one another and have learned an immense amount. I am obviously heartbroken. It hurts a lot. Anyway, we shall see what the future holds. There was just too much uncertainty for both of us that had developed. I always said knowing is better than wondering. God I hope so. I feel like I bounce between feeling numb about it all and feeling hysterical. I have now found a use for this blog...while this post is not positive and looking toward the future, that is what I will need to use this to focus my thoughts on.

As for right now, just need to make it through the holidays. And try to function in public. This post sounds so miserable but I just need to vent because when I'm around people I do not want to think or talk about it, because that's when I'm fine

I hope all of you are enjoying the holidays.

verbal throw-up

I hate that I only make the time to write something when I'm feeling troubled. I just can't shake the blahs right now. I still have a million things to do but I think I just need to take a time out.

Sometimes its hard to see all I have to be thankful for. I have lovely friends, a supportive family, a boyfriend, goals, a job, something to strive for, a cat I love an insane amount...so why, with so much good do I feel discontent.

Maybe it has to do with waking up early every day and driving through ridiculous construction and traffic, which has become a 50 minute drive some days. Or working part time at Target with people I don't relate to. Or constantly stressing or feeling nervous about school, tests, clinic, etc. Somewhere in there I'm supposed to maintain friendships, relationships....SO, while so far (still 2 finals to go) I am doing very well in this program, literally every other aspect of my life is suffering. I don't even know that my boyfriend and I know each other anymore, we certainly do not get to do anything together. I have a cat that sits alone most the day and evening waiting for someone to come home. The house is unkept, my clothes strewn about. I am exhausted, in every sense of the word. I eat, sleep a little, study, and work. Rinse, repeat.

I know that x-mas break will begin for me late Monday afternoon and I will have 4 weeks of freedom from school. Maybe that will refresh me. This grind has gotten me down.


I love you friends. So sorry I do not seem to exist in anyone's life these days.