peace

allen and i seem to have been brought closer by knowing what we almost lost. obviously time will be the true teller as to whether almost losing each other helped us to better appreciate what we had lost in one another, but we have talked more than ever, and most of all refound that friendship in one another. we are working on things, with both of us having a new outlook on the relationship.

its easy to lose track of what you have til its gone, or almost gone. i know that there is always a chance i'm wrong and that one day i may eat my own words saying i should have known. but i don't feel like that now, i feel like we have fresh eyes for one another and that i would regret not seeing if it will work. i would rather know than wonder.

i have so many wonderful people that care about me who have expressed concern, and it means the world. i love all you guys.

where do i go from here?

So it's Christmas...and I'd be lying if I said things were ideal. I managed to get so stressed out by the uncertainty of my relationship that I got shingles, like painful chickenpox for old people. I am now educated about shingles and don't wish them upon anyone. Painful stuff. and now...for the raw honesty part.

Allen and I mutually decided we should break up. After years of friendship and some dating and over 2 years together. Things have been confusing for some time and I know that we both feel this is the right decision. We both still deeply care for one another and have learned an immense amount. I am obviously heartbroken. It hurts a lot. Anyway, we shall see what the future holds. There was just too much uncertainty for both of us that had developed. I always said knowing is better than wondering. God I hope so. I feel like I bounce between feeling numb about it all and feeling hysterical. I have now found a use for this blog...while this post is not positive and looking toward the future, that is what I will need to use this to focus my thoughts on.

As for right now, just need to make it through the holidays. And try to function in public. This post sounds so miserable but I just need to vent because when I'm around people I do not want to think or talk about it, because that's when I'm fine

I hope all of you are enjoying the holidays.

verbal throw-up

I hate that I only make the time to write something when I'm feeling troubled. I just can't shake the blahs right now. I still have a million things to do but I think I just need to take a time out.

Sometimes its hard to see all I have to be thankful for. I have lovely friends, a supportive family, a boyfriend, goals, a job, something to strive for, a cat I love an insane amount...so why, with so much good do I feel discontent.

Maybe it has to do with waking up early every day and driving through ridiculous construction and traffic, which has become a 50 minute drive some days. Or working part time at Target with people I don't relate to. Or constantly stressing or feeling nervous about school, tests, clinic, etc. Somewhere in there I'm supposed to maintain friendships, relationships....SO, while so far (still 2 finals to go) I am doing very well in this program, literally every other aspect of my life is suffering. I don't even know that my boyfriend and I know each other anymore, we certainly do not get to do anything together. I have a cat that sits alone most the day and evening waiting for someone to come home. The house is unkept, my clothes strewn about. I am exhausted, in every sense of the word. I eat, sleep a little, study, and work. Rinse, repeat.

I know that x-mas break will begin for me late Monday afternoon and I will have 4 weeks of freedom from school. Maybe that will refresh me. This grind has gotten me down.


I love you friends. So sorry I do not seem to exist in anyone's life these days.

i think i can i think i can....

8 more days of class/clinic til Thanksgiving break

Just one more case study paper (+all the research), present finished presentation, make one more presentation, 3 tests, 3 quizzes, physics hw, 4 days of working, early thanksgiving celebration, rotate tires, buy groceries, dr appt, kitty to vet, plus whatever else gets added on.

cake, right? :/

burnt out...

I could go for a spot on this bench right about now...

Other people's opinion of you does not have to become your reality.- Les Brown

Spirit can walk, spirit can swim, spirit can climb, spirit can crawl. There is no terrain you cannot overcome. ~Terri Guillemets

Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been erected in honor of a critic. ~Jean Sibelius

It was a rough day in the ER... nothin like someone putting you down in front of everyone. Time #2 in all my clinic rotations that I wanted to cry. And it was the same place as time #1. How ironic. I despise being a student today.

New day.

Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. ~Fyodor Dostoevsky

We are seldom happy with what we now have, but would go to pieces if we lost any part of it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden, or looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi desert. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator. He will not be striving for it as a goal in itself. He will have become aware that he is happy in the course of living life twenty-four crowded hours of the day. ~W. Beran Wolfe

i've never been more lost by whats going on.... scared, confused, and tryin to stay composed.

i will pray, because beyond that...i have no idea what to do or think anymore. my heartaches thinkin of the worst. i just want the ability to erase it from my mind.

what a deal!

Highlight of today-

finally went to use my VS coupon that is good through today. expected to only get one bra for the going rate of 50 buckaroos. Oh no....2 bras, 1 underwears for about 42 bucks. I must have looked like I had a rough day walkin in there in my baggy scrubs and frumpy hair. The girl looked like she pitied me and gave me a better deal than was neccessary. So yes...thank you ms. VS worker girl (ya know...tryin to sound like those bud commercials).

2 tests, 1 presentation, 1 project, 2 quizzes, and hospital rotations.....and a partridge in a pear tree.

delirium is setting in...and its monday. wish me luck, this week is a doozie. yep. ddooozie.

Inspiration

Lately...

Life is a struggle.

I'm not sure what's happened to me or my happiness. So I'll keep on tryin...because that's all I know to do.

And maybe buy some music. :/

gnarly pneumonia

well....turns out its not the flu

i caved last night and went to the ER upon feeling like I might croak.

got a pretty "gnarly right lower lobe pneumonia" according to doc

getting it rechecked tomorrow, hopefully the antibiotics take hold they are hoping.

thanks for the get well wishes....hopefully soon they'll come true.

slackin

well...the great photo brigade has gone nowhere thus far. but will once i have some energy, freetime, and internet all at the same time.

first week back was rough. i was feeling extremely exhausted by thursday which explains the lovely fever and flu-like symptoms that started friday. pretty sure i got coughed on by one too many patients this first week back and being stressed with it being the first week back didn't help much.

anyway i'm still alive but feelin pretty deathly.... so let me be an advocate to get your flu shots early on. full fleged flu season usually doesnt start til october but obviously its already out there

hopefully i can pull myself together enough to not miss any class/clinic time this week. we're basically cut no slack and any time we miss has to be made up, which is difficult when every week is already a full schedule.

hope everyone else is doing well...maybe next time i'll get some of those pictures to share

need some advice

I'd like to have a place online to store photos/share photos. I haven't put any on facebook in so long because it equals sharing photos of my life with everyone and their dog. What do you reccomend as a very user friendly method of storing and sharing photos?

Thanks,
the technologically challenged friend

quick read

(Amazon.com)

I just wanted to recommend this easy read. I read it in just a couple days and loved it. It has such a great perspective on living life and what truly matters in the end.

weekly update

Well...as it turns out, I don't do much babbling on here these days. It seems when I do have the thoughts and desires to write, I have no computer in front of me (and vice versa).

This week:
-"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer"

-Welcome to the world Natalie Anne! I can't wait to meet my new 2nd cousin.

-My parents have been married 33 years tomorrow. Go mom and dad!

-I need to expand my cooking horizons, spaghetti and tacos can only take you so far.

-Last week of day rotations. Plus- more sleeping in. Minus- not getting home til midnight, having opposite schedule as Al and my family. 3 more WEEKS of summer rotations, then its onto my final year of rad. Not that I'm counting.

-Lots of seeing friends hooplah has been going on during the weekends, I like it :)

-Saw Eclipse and loved it

-Have a great weekend everyone, fingers crossed for some sunny weather soon!

just some babbble

Well friends,

I feel old. My little sister just graduated high school. Then it dawned on me that I graduated 7 years ago. Yowzas when you put it that way. Anyway, I can honestly say I'm so proud of her. She is so damn responsible for her age (I remember all the shennanigans I was up to starting senior year of high school) She's not wrapped up in some silly boyfriend, seems to have her head on straight, scholarships underway, and great expectations for OSU. I'm excited to see where life takes her. She's a smart girl.

Having a break from school/clinic has been wonderful. I don't mind hanging out late, I can play without things looming in my head of what I should be doing. And my grades came out spectacularly....all A's, and 1 B. Definately worked for those. Already feeling antsy about summer rotations....trauma...eek. But I won't be staring at cadavers all summer like last summer and pounding away at the books trying to squeak by in a ridiculous, med school level anatomy class.

Personal life-wise....things have been slightly rollercoasterish. Don't feel like disclosing details but it's been more difficult at times. Health concerns continue to plague me....and it seems to only be rougher the more that I know and understand, the more worry that consumes me. So in the words of sam...I'm going to be a positive pat about this. I'm going to worry less and pray more. Worrying really does just make everything worse. Definately a big personal goal these days: be responsible yet carefree.

hope everyone else is doing well :)

what book are you in?

sometimes it seems as if i'm not only on a different page than most people, but in fact i'm in an entirely different book. i'm happy with my life i have chosen. just an observation.

i suppose i feel a little bit like this professional program has sucked away my identity outside of what i spend so much time working towards. so many peoples blogs, updates, emails, etc. are filled with activities and friends and trips and projects and vacations and i quickly realize that my life is so different. i suppose thats why i feel a bit disconnected. i'll be the first to admit that i have a busy life, but no real social life or time for personal indulgences of any significant nature.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmZexg8sxyk

time to hit the books....3 tests, a presentation, and 2 assignments due next week. yikes.

Dear spring break, if you don't hurry up and get here I might lose my mind.

Thanks,


-In need of a break

life goes on.

May the wind always be at your back and the sun upon your face. And may the wings of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars.

Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again, but life goes on.

seatbelts!

so, this weeks rotation was ER. i see somethin new everytime i rotate through that place. most are minor falls, wrecks, etc. but then there's the scary big looming "trauma cases." while curiosity does ensue when hearing that a trauma has just arrived, curiosity is put to rest so quickly when you see a human, just as yourself, covered in blood, clothes cut off, and every machine you can imagine hooked up to them. all curiosity leaves and all i can think is, they had never dreamt their day would go like this, and now their life might even be over.

its not even the physical sight of it all that makes me feel so uncomfortable, just the emotional part is what gets me. i guess that if i were taking the xrays in there, your goal is to get your image as efficiently as possible. therefore, your focus is not on them but is instead on getting the job done to help them as much as you can. which is definately rewarding and worthwhile in my book.

please wear your seatbelts. i have always been a seatbelt nazi, thanks to my mom who's been a nurse for over 30 years and seen all the nasty end results of not wearing one. i had my visual reminder today so i don't ever want to hear about any of you being ejected from a vehicle.

wow. so happy valentines day weekend to you all? hah, little on the heavy side. but please please please wear your seatbelts.

the end.

a few funnies to get you through your day

this is my stinkin cute niece Maddie. She's a little OSU fan in the making, crazy hair and all!!

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1125919467?bctid=63259762001

check out the link. hence the real reason for enjoying superbowl sunday, funny new commercials!

this also made me laugh, since we live in such a "facebooking" world now...

VAGUEBOOKING

An intentionally vague Facebook status update, that prompts friends to ask what's going on, or is possibly a cry for help.

Mary is: "wondering if it is all worth it"

Mark is: "thinking that was a bad idea"

Example: "Have you talked to Mark? He's vaguebooking again. I wonder if he's back with Mary..."

- courtesy of urbandictionary.com