Wednesday, May 27, 2009

In the Moment

I haven't felt an urge to really write on here, until today. I've been thinking/reading a lot about how to get better at living in the moment. It's funny how it sounds so simple. "I'm alive today, so I'll live for today." But if you're anything like myself, next you know, you're thinking about some previous moment that is already gone, or some possibility in the future that brings fear and anxiety.

I've found it very upsetting how much time I waste dwelling on a moment in the past that didn't go as I wished, or feeling anxious about the uncertainty of the future.

I've also finally recognized how slow I am to let go of the bad moments. I remember them forever it seems, and always manage to let the moment drag on, til something abrupt or someone even drags me out of it. And it ends in tears of frustration, not even about the moment, but instead frustration for still being upset/angry/sad hours or even days later.

Meanwhile, my boyfriend seems to have this flow naturally to him. He may have a bad moment or every once a blue moon a bad evening. But he is almost always cheerful and happy to be alive, even if something has not gone his way at some point in the day.

After reading on a few sites about "mindfulness" I feel hopeful. Because I know while everyone says life is mind over matter, it does not always feel that way. Moments of anxiety creep up unannounced, and while I can consciously think through all the reasons I should let it go I manage to still be pondering it later. And by then, I want to burst at the thought that I have wasted so much energy, happiness, and time for something so silly.

I guess it is so easy to tell someone to "live in the moment, don't dwell on the past or worry about the future." But the challenege comes in answering "how do you live in the moment?" how do you enjoy and accept each moment and not let it ruin the next moment.

So often my mind is just flooded with thoughts that I drag myself every which direction but the present moment. If I'm out late and I have to work the next day, I'm thinking about how tired I will be. When instead I should fully enjoy what I'm doing at that moment, being grateful for life, and deal with being tired in the morning when it comes. Being aware that waking up will not be pleasant does not make waking up early any better or easier. So why ruin that one moment thinking about the next?

This is definately one of my issues. And a totally personal post. But I think that by writing this out, I can express those questions and thoughts about such a simple motto that I really struggle to carry out.

I almost feel like I sound somewhat crazy. But it's easy to understand why there are so many mental health issues these days with depression and anxiety. How can you expect to be truly happy if you're regretting the past and feeling anxious about the future?

And this is by far the most I've ever thought about this. I truly believe that if I continue to let so many moments rule my life, that my last final thought will be why did i take so many days and moments for granted.

So this is a wake-up call to my own mental well-being. And anyone else who has also lost track of what it means to live in the moment.

Maybe this blog will be an outlet for me to focus my thoughts this way and become better at this. Or maybe it won't? I'm open to whatever way it leads me.

Love you all.