Wednesday, December 10, 2008

i kind of want to cry right now...

i had my first shift tonight...i have never busted my ass so hard for money.

i want a mindless, sit at a desk and enter data kind of part time job.

...okay, so i'm feeling pretty doubtful. discouraged. call it what you will...

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


"we create so much conflict and struggle for ourselves, where there should be joy.we have to fight the urge to fill experiences, and the holes in between them with static,and shit that clouds what really matters.watching someone triumph over REAL struggle, REAL loss slaps us sober it provides a clarity that is inspires us to be present andto appreciate all we take for granted"

I simply sat down on the couch just earlier after a really long day of training and I heard a song by Matt Nathanson on one of the satellite music channels. Naturally, I googled him to find some lyrics and came across his site which has a journal. This first piece I read just hit home. Completely fascinated me actually. I can't even explain how many times in life it takes something big to slap you in the face and realize that this is all nothing. None of this will one day matter. And everyday I worry about my grades, I worry about future jobs and careers, I sweat starting a new job waiting tables because it's something I've never done. I worry about being a disappointment, about my health, my loved ones health. You name it, and I probably worry about it. Meanwhile, there are people overcoming things bigger than I've ever seen or experienced. There are people that wonder if they will have enough to feed their family, if they will stay safe where they're living, or coping with the loss of someone, or dealing with any sort of disaster. And it totally puts it into focus what it is that matters in this world. And it turns out it's not your job, how much money you make, what you look like, what you wear, or where you live. And maybe that's why sometimes I find it so hard to really care about a lot of things. I guess it's a constant struggle to find that balance of caring enough to hold a job, be a good person, make a living, help others, etc yet to also have a complete grasp that ultimately none of that matters so it's never worth getting frantic or worrying or anticipating.

How do you balance? How do you not need to hear of some real struggle to be snapped back?