irritated.

I will never understand why some people choose to try to raise hell in anothers life. First, outburst. Now, I'm trying to ignore because I don't have room, energy, or emotion to waste on someone who definately does not have my best interest at heart.

Why are there so many crappy people in this world?

I am thankful for all the people in my life, that you are not crappy.


end soapbox.

Bummage.

Today I have done nothing but sleep in and lounge around, eat, not shower, wrap presents, watch the Grinch, wrap more presents, and play on facebook. I don't remember the last time I had such a lazy day.

I feel a little guilty actually.

food for thought

i'm a sucker for quotes that help us refresh our views on life.

When you live in reaction, you give your power away. Then you get to experience what you gave your power to. ~N. Smith

Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise. ~ unknown

Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got.~Janis Joplin

Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it just makes you walk funny. ~Kathryn Carpenter

The best way to predict your future is to create it. ~Peter Drucker

Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours. ~Swedish Proverb

This is why I love my boyfriend...

Me: "Herro"

Al: "oh hai. I'm in my kitchen just cookin muh stick fishes."

Perpetual exhaustion.

This pretty much sums up how I feel 99% of the time.

just hangin on til Saturday

The LONGEST week of my life is almost over....but not before cramming 2 more classes, one test, and 5 hours of Target into Friday. Now....to nap or study for a physics test?

i miss my shan-n.

Happy One Year.

Al and I had our "Official" one year yesterday. cheers to that.

"To love abundantly is to live abundantly, and to love forever is to live forever."

-Henry Drummond

bye toby.

Anyone who is a pet lover probably knows the pain of losing an animal that you have so many memories of. And everyone has probably had someone or some animal taken from them because of cancer. Yet I feel the need to make a post about my cat of 14 years that didn't come back home when he went to the vet just a couple hours ago.

I guess to me, an animal is more than that. Toby was part of my immediate family. My whole family has so many pictures, memories, and stories about this crazy cat. In fact, every one of you reading this has most likely heard me talk about Toby since you've known me. I love that cat. He's the only cat I've ever had in fact.

Here's to you Tob:

-For being an A+ cuddler and sleeping buddy

-For coming home when we adopted you as a kitten in a decorative cardboard box that said "cosmo kitty" on it.

-For racing through the house and sliding into a room in your younger years...so we could laugh and say you were like Kramer

-For following me around the house

-For sitting in a chair at the table when we eat dinner and resting your head on the table longing for one little scrap of food

-For your quirky fear of trash bags, vacuums, doorbells, and yippy dogs.

-For insisting that you should always be in my lap if I'm sitting, regardless if it's in the middle of a book or magazine I'm trying to read.

-For being so stubborn at the vet that to get you out of the pet carrier, the vet had to disassemble the carrier. And explain that he would have to reassemble the carrier before Tob could leave.

-For being such a good pal.

i don't wannnnnna

my life is full of all the things i "have" to do.

this makes me grumpy...

it's about 70degrees out, sun is shining, no wind. i got some good sleep last night so i'm feeling energized and motivated...to do something that i want to do. instead, i will leave for work and come home 6hours later to some physics homework. joy.

too many obligations. i miss the carefree days of childhood...where when you felt like riding your bike, you rode. you're tired...you nap. you get to be selfish and no one looks down on you for it.

don't get me wrong...my life is good. there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. i think i will start setting aside one hour for myself everyday. in that hour i will commence to all things selfish.

sometimes it takes a little spazing out to put things back into perspective

So my last post was definately not my brightest, shining one. But it was honest. And being honest with yourself is in my eyes how you improve, learn, and move forward.

pixie love

i have revisited an old favorite song of mine by the pixies..."where is my mind" it's completely addictive to me.

somewhere on the other side of a lot of hard work, time, and tears is the person i'm striving to be. nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it.

you ever feel like you're on a different page than the rest of the world? i do. everyday in fact.

here's to feeling sane again. cheers.

jenny who?

so...this probably will not be the most positive post...but i need a short escape/venting session...yet at the same time i'm in a bad mood so i feel like hibernating...because that's what i do when i'm unhappy. no pity is wanted just need to complain.

just when i think i'm getting somewhere and learning a bunch...we have a little question sesssion...after hearing things such as "preganglionic parasympathetic axons are located in the IML from yada yada yada..." and all i can think is oh shit. i know i'm not alone...but every few days, after working really hard and feeling good about it i wind up back at this stupid hopeless feeling. That if i could function without sleep, there is still not enough time or energy to learn all of this well enough. SO you give it your best and call it a day. Regardless of how well things go, as long as I continue to give my best there should be no worries or regrets.....also, this is easier said than done.

secondly, i feel disconnected from the world...which is understandable because i spend 5 days a week at school with people like me and cadavers. i spend the other two studying, taking quizzes and maybe trying to see allen for a couple hours. i don't remember what it's like to be carefree, or to think "what do i feel like doing"

third....spending every ounce of my being doing all the things i have to do has left me feeling like i don't even remember who i am. this may sound dramatic but it hits me the most when i hear of "normal" (haha yes i'm crazy) people who have a life, who take vacations, who enjoy their hobbies, who live with spontaniety, who kick back and relax.

fourth......stop and go traffic every day during rush hour. 5 days a week. stupid drivers. they're everywhere.

fifth...what the hell is splancnic nerve?

seventh.... whether monday is good or bad....beer will be consumed after.

eighth....i know nothing is really that bad. i just currently have no time for anything outside of school and work, which causes a lot of bad emotional side effects.

august 14th = first finish line.

and on a brighter note, al and i have been together 10 months today.

what is free time?

a faint memory.

just tryin to keep my head above water.

never, never, never give up. things are always hard before they get easier.

i will persevere.

thanks to those who have encouraged me, or kept me in your thoughts and prayers. i wish each of you could sit for a day in my class or go to lab so that i quit sounding like such a pansy. it's intense stuff...but somehow someway if i keep giving my best i will survive.

back to learning all about the crazy human bod.

i want to cry... so overwhelmed and emotional and uneasy about life...

My new life.

SO...The exciting news is I survived week 1 of clinical anatomy. I can say without a doubt this is the most diffcult, in depth, detailed class I've been in. Let's just say that the professors (who are all Physician Assistants, PhD, etc) definately don't dumb things down a bit. So everyday I come home totally 100% fried. I could definately say my first meltdown was yesterday. It's been a huge adjustment to not just be able to socialize when I feel like and manage to get good grades.

I guess I do well with it, until I see or hear what everyone else is doing...having a typical summer... playing at the lake, eating sno cones, watching movies, relaxing. And I think of my time....reading, studying, school, work, more studying, and maybe a quick call to say hi to my boyfriend.

I'm sure I sound like I'm complaining and maybe I am...but only that it is a huge adjustment from seeing my boyfriend everyday and being able to work and then relax. I don't regret choosing this path in the least. It's just going to take some accepting that right now I don't have time for anything other than school. I miss friends, my boyfriend, and being carefree.

On a totally different note, I am more than excited about where this program will take me. It is intense and I have had no doubts that I am going to feel so proud and rewarded by the end of it. So if I fall off the face of the Earth for 2 years, forgive me. In the past I probably would have blown off school to play with friends, or attend whatever social hoorah was going on. But now, being old and wise (haha), I have a focus for what I have to do to get where I want to be. I just hope that some of you are still around when I will be so "out of the loop" which I'm already feeling.

I am so thankful that my boyfriend deals much better with this and has a very clear perspective on it all. After having a meltdown, he made it very clear that there is no need to feel upset about not seeing him as much as I'd like or anyone outside of school for that matter. Because while I won't get to see anyone very much for the next couple years, after that I will be set. I feel very confident that this program will put me in a great place career-wise. And it having no life and working 7hours (that's seriously how little time I have free of school/studying) a week at target is what I have to do to get there, then that's what I need to focus on.

I'm not even sure that this post is really for anyone but myself. I guess I just wanted to apologize for my absense in so many friends lives. I am so wound up in mine that I can't just get together with everyone everytime I feel like. This is definately my selfish time in life, mainly because I don't want to screw any of this up for myself. I've worked too hard to get distracted now. This is my future, and it's very important to me that I'm successful in it.

As obvious by this post, I have had so much spinning in my head/emotions this past week. I just want everyone who reads this to know that I love and care about them as I always have.


take care everyone and stay in touch. love.

short vent

I seem to keep forgetting someone kind of important. Myself.

To me, the most difficult part of a being in a relationship is maintaining my sense of self. Some people seem to be amazing at this and I am far from a natural.

universal remote is not so universal

I am totally, 100% convinced that i will never have a knack for figuring out the tv. you see, my parents recently switched from satellite to cable...and we have this nifty "universal" remote. but you can't successfully change inputs or other things necessary, so then you must use the designated "amp" remote or the "tv" remote.

4pm...mom's home. she pushed a few buttons and wa la! things are workin.

I had lunch with my minnesota-dwelling friend today. she's about to take off to go work at a summer camp. even hearing the words "summer camp" brings back loads of memories from my 2 camp jobs. By far, the best way to spend a summer is working at a camp...and getting paid to play. I'm excited for the adventures and experiences that await her.

In the Moment

I haven't felt an urge to really write on here, until today. I've been thinking/reading a lot about how to get better at living in the moment. It's funny how it sounds so simple. "I'm alive today, so I'll live for today." But if you're anything like myself, next you know, you're thinking about some previous moment that is already gone, or some possibility in the future that brings fear and anxiety.

I've found it very upsetting how much time I waste dwelling on a moment in the past that didn't go as I wished, or feeling anxious about the uncertainty of the future.

I've also finally recognized how slow I am to let go of the bad moments. I remember them forever it seems, and always manage to let the moment drag on, til something abrupt or someone even drags me out of it. And it ends in tears of frustration, not even about the moment, but instead frustration for still being upset/angry/sad hours or even days later.

Meanwhile, my boyfriend seems to have this flow naturally to him. He may have a bad moment or every once a blue moon a bad evening. But he is almost always cheerful and happy to be alive, even if something has not gone his way at some point in the day.

After reading on a few sites about "mindfulness" I feel hopeful. Because I know while everyone says life is mind over matter, it does not always feel that way. Moments of anxiety creep up unannounced, and while I can consciously think through all the reasons I should let it go I manage to still be pondering it later. And by then, I want to burst at the thought that I have wasted so much energy, happiness, and time for something so silly.

I guess it is so easy to tell someone to "live in the moment, don't dwell on the past or worry about the future." But the challenege comes in answering "how do you live in the moment?" how do you enjoy and accept each moment and not let it ruin the next moment.

So often my mind is just flooded with thoughts that I drag myself every which direction but the present moment. If I'm out late and I have to work the next day, I'm thinking about how tired I will be. When instead I should fully enjoy what I'm doing at that moment, being grateful for life, and deal with being tired in the morning when it comes. Being aware that waking up will not be pleasant does not make waking up early any better or easier. So why ruin that one moment thinking about the next?

This is definately one of my issues. And a totally personal post. But I think that by writing this out, I can express those questions and thoughts about such a simple motto that I really struggle to carry out.

I almost feel like I sound somewhat crazy. But it's easy to understand why there are so many mental health issues these days with depression and anxiety. How can you expect to be truly happy if you're regretting the past and feeling anxious about the future?

And this is by far the most I've ever thought about this. I truly believe that if I continue to let so many moments rule my life, that my last final thought will be why did i take so many days and moments for granted.

So this is a wake-up call to my own mental well-being. And anyone else who has also lost track of what it means to live in the moment.

Maybe this blog will be an outlet for me to focus my thoughts this way and become better at this. Or maybe it won't? I'm open to whatever way it leads me.

Love you all.

Not feelin' it blogger...sorry.

Well...while this little blog thing seemed neat and I enjoy other peoples...I've found that it's just not really for me right now.

I don't feel like a post my life online kind of person. And even writing that statement I immediately think that it probably offends some, which it shouldn't. This just ain't my bag.

So long bloggy, blog blog world. I'll be a spectator now.

the week from hades

monday- wake up early for homework, class, work til 10:30
tuesday- wake up early for class, lunch break, lab, homework time, work til 11 at earliest
wednesday- wake up early for lab, lunch break, work til 10
thursday- wake up early for physics test, lunch break, work til 11 at earliest
friday- wake up early, class followed by lab, mosey home and relish not having to go to work..
saturday- sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep in. and figure out when i'm going to sit down to do my taxes (which i've never done on my own)

and somehow i'm supposed to make time for my boyfriend and my family and studying.

totally sucks.

the end.

Love.

Sometimes I have moments of feeling completely overwhelmed with how in LOVE I am. I am so lucky.

"Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.

statues are neat

Dear Capitol Building, Thanks for the good time.

Look closely...yes...it's lawn gnomes, on a birthday cake. One of which had too much too drink. (This is what happens when Allen decorates his cake) :)



I love him.

Looking up at dome.

Just chillaxin with his lady friend.

I picked her nose...and got laughed at by some passerbys.

slumpin...

So I'm in a slump. It's spring break and I have the daytime free and I'm working til close tonight-thursday. I can't help but feel the lack of fun and excitement in my life wearing down on me. All I do is school and work, and now I have a week without school and I have no idea what to do with myself. Everyones going to McNellies for St Patty's day tonight...but I will be at work :(

backyard dirtbiking

Today was the day all my stress and emotions and sleep deprivation caught up with me. It's been a day of not good spirits and bad news. So I'm rumaging around the house distracting myself cleaning and you know what I see....

I look out the back window and I see someone on a dirtbike riding around their backyard. Then, I see another kid on a john deere lawn mower...with a camera...totally not watching where he's going while filming this other kid on his dirtbike, going over some tiny dirt mound with a little "jump."

My names Jenny Johnson and I live in Oklahoma.

a tribute to my grandpa

This is how I will remember my grandpa. This picture was taken a couple of years ago. It's funny how your mind tries to flood with a bunch of memories after someone passes away. Maybe it's the minds way of trying to hold onto everything you remember about them so that you don't forget who they were and what they were all about.

So this is a tribute to my grandpa. He was by far the most unselfish person I've met. I'm pretty sure everything he did was about taking care of my his family. He was one of those people who had such a focus on what really mattered. Someone who truly knew God. And I feel complete peace knowing that him and my grandma are now reunited. And my thoughts go out to my dad, he tells stories all the time about my grandpa and bent overbackward for him til the very end. I know this is a hard time for him. I just can't even imagine.

So sorry for the heavy post, but I had to remember one last time just how great my grandpa really was. He'll be missed. What a sweet old man.

"Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." - Nicholas Sparks

Have you ever worked so hard for something and the fear of something out of your control going wrong makes you sick to your stomach? That's the feeling I have about applying to the Radiography program. This is my goal, what I tell everyone about, the thing I feel most driven with....so I have found myself completely fearful that my transcripts will get lost in the mail, or there will be some requirement that I overlooked and haven't met, or there will be 20 something "better" candidates.

I suppose it's been awhile since I've wanted something so badly, and fully put forth the effort to get there. I think I'll feel much better when my Ark. transcript reaches me and I can get all my transcripts sent in to the health sciences center. Then comes a grueling waiting and seeing process.

So nervous. Just ready to have everything turned in.

i may have lost my knack for writing.... hmm

time flies!

February so soon? Time flies the older I get. Physics is still kicking me hard, actually it's what I've been working on so far today and just took a break, which is turning into procrastinating. Maybe I'll make a real post later. I should hit the books.

I'm in a really great mood today, even though all I have in front of me is homework and studying. Just happy.

and also, I'm pretty excited. The Fray's new cd comes out Tuesday :)

dear physics,

you are all that is evil. i hate you.

the end.

shoot for the moon

(pic courtesy of Kendra)... yes, this is my boyfriend pretending to stab me with an icicle.

in 2009 I resolve to...

-be more patient
-write my friend Jenn in Australia, because I have failed so far at ever sending anything to her
-not always be in such a rush, truly appreciate the moments
-continue to put 100% into being successful in school
-floss everyday
-think positively
-go through all the crap I own before the end of 2009 and rid myself of everything I don't need or use and donate it
-deposit money into savings more regularly
-have less jobs this year than I did in 2008 (6 jobs is a few too many for one year)
-make more time for the people I love
-love, love, love

and the one thats a far cry these days..... working out (wah wah sad trombone)

So somewhere along the way all the holidays happened and we are now almost 2 weeks into 2009! what the deuce?