sometimes it takes a little spazing out to put things back into perspective

So my last post was definately not my brightest, shining one. But it was honest. And being honest with yourself is in my eyes how you improve, learn, and move forward.

pixie love

i have revisited an old favorite song of mine by the pixies..."where is my mind" it's completely addictive to me.

somewhere on the other side of a lot of hard work, time, and tears is the person i'm striving to be. nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it.

you ever feel like you're on a different page than the rest of the world? i do. everyday in fact.

here's to feeling sane again. cheers.

jenny who?

so...this probably will not be the most positive post...but i need a short escape/venting session...yet at the same time i'm in a bad mood so i feel like hibernating...because that's what i do when i'm unhappy. no pity is wanted just need to complain.

just when i think i'm getting somewhere and learning a bunch...we have a little question sesssion...after hearing things such as "preganglionic parasympathetic axons are located in the IML from yada yada yada..." and all i can think is oh shit. i know i'm not alone...but every few days, after working really hard and feeling good about it i wind up back at this stupid hopeless feeling. That if i could function without sleep, there is still not enough time or energy to learn all of this well enough. SO you give it your best and call it a day. Regardless of how well things go, as long as I continue to give my best there should be no worries or regrets.....also, this is easier said than done.

secondly, i feel disconnected from the world...which is understandable because i spend 5 days a week at school with people like me and cadavers. i spend the other two studying, taking quizzes and maybe trying to see allen for a couple hours. i don't remember what it's like to be carefree, or to think "what do i feel like doing"

third....spending every ounce of my being doing all the things i have to do has left me feeling like i don't even remember who i am. this may sound dramatic but it hits me the most when i hear of "normal" (haha yes i'm crazy) people who have a life, who take vacations, who enjoy their hobbies, who live with spontaniety, who kick back and relax.

fourth......stop and go traffic every day during rush hour. 5 days a week. stupid drivers. they're everywhere.

fifth...what the hell is splancnic nerve?

seventh.... whether monday is good or bad....beer will be consumed after.

eighth....i know nothing is really that bad. i just currently have no time for anything outside of school and work, which causes a lot of bad emotional side effects.

august 14th = first finish line.

and on a brighter note, al and i have been together 10 months today.

what is free time?

a faint memory.

just tryin to keep my head above water.

never, never, never give up. things are always hard before they get easier.

i will persevere.

thanks to those who have encouraged me, or kept me in your thoughts and prayers. i wish each of you could sit for a day in my class or go to lab so that i quit sounding like such a pansy. it's intense stuff...but somehow someway if i keep giving my best i will survive.

back to learning all about the crazy human bod.

i want to cry... so overwhelmed and emotional and uneasy about life...

My new life.

SO...The exciting news is I survived week 1 of clinical anatomy. I can say without a doubt this is the most diffcult, in depth, detailed class I've been in. Let's just say that the professors (who are all Physician Assistants, PhD, etc) definately don't dumb things down a bit. So everyday I come home totally 100% fried. I could definately say my first meltdown was yesterday. It's been a huge adjustment to not just be able to socialize when I feel like and manage to get good grades.

I guess I do well with it, until I see or hear what everyone else is doing...having a typical summer... playing at the lake, eating sno cones, watching movies, relaxing. And I think of my time....reading, studying, school, work, more studying, and maybe a quick call to say hi to my boyfriend.

I'm sure I sound like I'm complaining and maybe I am...but only that it is a huge adjustment from seeing my boyfriend everyday and being able to work and then relax. I don't regret choosing this path in the least. It's just going to take some accepting that right now I don't have time for anything other than school. I miss friends, my boyfriend, and being carefree.

On a totally different note, I am more than excited about where this program will take me. It is intense and I have had no doubts that I am going to feel so proud and rewarded by the end of it. So if I fall off the face of the Earth for 2 years, forgive me. In the past I probably would have blown off school to play with friends, or attend whatever social hoorah was going on. But now, being old and wise (haha), I have a focus for what I have to do to get where I want to be. I just hope that some of you are still around when I will be so "out of the loop" which I'm already feeling.

I am so thankful that my boyfriend deals much better with this and has a very clear perspective on it all. After having a meltdown, he made it very clear that there is no need to feel upset about not seeing him as much as I'd like or anyone outside of school for that matter. Because while I won't get to see anyone very much for the next couple years, after that I will be set. I feel very confident that this program will put me in a great place career-wise. And it having no life and working 7hours (that's seriously how little time I have free of school/studying) a week at target is what I have to do to get there, then that's what I need to focus on.

I'm not even sure that this post is really for anyone but myself. I guess I just wanted to apologize for my absense in so many friends lives. I am so wound up in mine that I can't just get together with everyone everytime I feel like. This is definately my selfish time in life, mainly because I don't want to screw any of this up for myself. I've worked too hard to get distracted now. This is my future, and it's very important to me that I'm successful in it.

As obvious by this post, I have had so much spinning in my head/emotions this past week. I just want everyone who reads this to know that I love and care about them as I always have.


take care everyone and stay in touch. love.