i want to cry... so overwhelmed and emotional and uneasy about life...

My new life.

SO...The exciting news is I survived week 1 of clinical anatomy. I can say without a doubt this is the most diffcult, in depth, detailed class I've been in. Let's just say that the professors (who are all Physician Assistants, PhD, etc) definately don't dumb things down a bit. So everyday I come home totally 100% fried. I could definately say my first meltdown was yesterday. It's been a huge adjustment to not just be able to socialize when I feel like and manage to get good grades.

I guess I do well with it, until I see or hear what everyone else is doing...having a typical summer... playing at the lake, eating sno cones, watching movies, relaxing. And I think of my time....reading, studying, school, work, more studying, and maybe a quick call to say hi to my boyfriend.

I'm sure I sound like I'm complaining and maybe I am...but only that it is a huge adjustment from seeing my boyfriend everyday and being able to work and then relax. I don't regret choosing this path in the least. It's just going to take some accepting that right now I don't have time for anything other than school. I miss friends, my boyfriend, and being carefree.

On a totally different note, I am more than excited about where this program will take me. It is intense and I have had no doubts that I am going to feel so proud and rewarded by the end of it. So if I fall off the face of the Earth for 2 years, forgive me. In the past I probably would have blown off school to play with friends, or attend whatever social hoorah was going on. But now, being old and wise (haha), I have a focus for what I have to do to get where I want to be. I just hope that some of you are still around when I will be so "out of the loop" which I'm already feeling.

I am so thankful that my boyfriend deals much better with this and has a very clear perspective on it all. After having a meltdown, he made it very clear that there is no need to feel upset about not seeing him as much as I'd like or anyone outside of school for that matter. Because while I won't get to see anyone very much for the next couple years, after that I will be set. I feel very confident that this program will put me in a great place career-wise. And it having no life and working 7hours (that's seriously how little time I have free of school/studying) a week at target is what I have to do to get there, then that's what I need to focus on.

I'm not even sure that this post is really for anyone but myself. I guess I just wanted to apologize for my absense in so many friends lives. I am so wound up in mine that I can't just get together with everyone everytime I feel like. This is definately my selfish time in life, mainly because I don't want to screw any of this up for myself. I've worked too hard to get distracted now. This is my future, and it's very important to me that I'm successful in it.

As obvious by this post, I have had so much spinning in my head/emotions this past week. I just want everyone who reads this to know that I love and care about them as I always have.


take care everyone and stay in touch. love.

short vent

I seem to keep forgetting someone kind of important. Myself.

To me, the most difficult part of a being in a relationship is maintaining my sense of self. Some people seem to be amazing at this and I am far from a natural.

universal remote is not so universal

I am totally, 100% convinced that i will never have a knack for figuring out the tv. you see, my parents recently switched from satellite to cable...and we have this nifty "universal" remote. but you can't successfully change inputs or other things necessary, so then you must use the designated "amp" remote or the "tv" remote.

4pm...mom's home. she pushed a few buttons and wa la! things are workin.

I had lunch with my minnesota-dwelling friend today. she's about to take off to go work at a summer camp. even hearing the words "summer camp" brings back loads of memories from my 2 camp jobs. By far, the best way to spend a summer is working at a camp...and getting paid to play. I'm excited for the adventures and experiences that await her.

In the Moment

I haven't felt an urge to really write on here, until today. I've been thinking/reading a lot about how to get better at living in the moment. It's funny how it sounds so simple. "I'm alive today, so I'll live for today." But if you're anything like myself, next you know, you're thinking about some previous moment that is already gone, or some possibility in the future that brings fear and anxiety.

I've found it very upsetting how much time I waste dwelling on a moment in the past that didn't go as I wished, or feeling anxious about the uncertainty of the future.

I've also finally recognized how slow I am to let go of the bad moments. I remember them forever it seems, and always manage to let the moment drag on, til something abrupt or someone even drags me out of it. And it ends in tears of frustration, not even about the moment, but instead frustration for still being upset/angry/sad hours or even days later.

Meanwhile, my boyfriend seems to have this flow naturally to him. He may have a bad moment or every once a blue moon a bad evening. But he is almost always cheerful and happy to be alive, even if something has not gone his way at some point in the day.

After reading on a few sites about "mindfulness" I feel hopeful. Because I know while everyone says life is mind over matter, it does not always feel that way. Moments of anxiety creep up unannounced, and while I can consciously think through all the reasons I should let it go I manage to still be pondering it later. And by then, I want to burst at the thought that I have wasted so much energy, happiness, and time for something so silly.

I guess it is so easy to tell someone to "live in the moment, don't dwell on the past or worry about the future." But the challenege comes in answering "how do you live in the moment?" how do you enjoy and accept each moment and not let it ruin the next moment.

So often my mind is just flooded with thoughts that I drag myself every which direction but the present moment. If I'm out late and I have to work the next day, I'm thinking about how tired I will be. When instead I should fully enjoy what I'm doing at that moment, being grateful for life, and deal with being tired in the morning when it comes. Being aware that waking up will not be pleasant does not make waking up early any better or easier. So why ruin that one moment thinking about the next?

This is definately one of my issues. And a totally personal post. But I think that by writing this out, I can express those questions and thoughts about such a simple motto that I really struggle to carry out.

I almost feel like I sound somewhat crazy. But it's easy to understand why there are so many mental health issues these days with depression and anxiety. How can you expect to be truly happy if you're regretting the past and feeling anxious about the future?

And this is by far the most I've ever thought about this. I truly believe that if I continue to let so many moments rule my life, that my last final thought will be why did i take so many days and moments for granted.

So this is a wake-up call to my own mental well-being. And anyone else who has also lost track of what it means to live in the moment.

Maybe this blog will be an outlet for me to focus my thoughts this way and become better at this. Or maybe it won't? I'm open to whatever way it leads me.

Love you all.

Not feelin' it blogger...sorry.

Well...while this little blog thing seemed neat and I enjoy other peoples...I've found that it's just not really for me right now.

I don't feel like a post my life online kind of person. And even writing that statement I immediately think that it probably offends some, which it shouldn't. This just ain't my bag.

So long bloggy, blog blog world. I'll be a spectator now.

the week from hades

monday- wake up early for homework, class, work til 10:30
tuesday- wake up early for class, lunch break, lab, homework time, work til 11 at earliest
wednesday- wake up early for lab, lunch break, work til 10
thursday- wake up early for physics test, lunch break, work til 11 at earliest
friday- wake up early, class followed by lab, mosey home and relish not having to go to work..
saturday- sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep in. and figure out when i'm going to sit down to do my taxes (which i've never done on my own)

and somehow i'm supposed to make time for my boyfriend and my family and studying.

totally sucks.

the end.