i kind of want to cry right now...

i had my first shift tonight...i have never busted my ass so hard for money.

i want a mindless, sit at a desk and enter data kind of part time job.


...okay, so i'm feeling pretty doubtful. discouraged. call it what you will...

fascinated

"we create so much conflict and struggle for ourselves, where there should be joy.we have to fight the urge to fill experiences, and the holes in between them with static,and shit that clouds what really matters.watching someone triumph over REAL struggle, REAL loss slaps us sober it provides a clarity that is crucial.it inspires us to be present andto appreciate all we take for granted"

http://www.mattnathanson.com/journal

I simply sat down on the couch just earlier after a really long day of training and I heard a song by Matt Nathanson on one of the satellite music channels. Naturally, I googled him to find some lyrics and came across his site which has a journal. This first piece I read just hit home. Completely fascinated me actually. I can't even explain how many times in life it takes something big to slap you in the face and realize that this is all nothing. None of this will one day matter. And everyday I worry about my grades, I worry about future jobs and careers, I sweat starting a new job waiting tables because it's something I've never done. I worry about being a disappointment, about my health, my loved ones health. You name it, and I probably worry about it. Meanwhile, there are people overcoming things bigger than I've ever seen or experienced. There are people that wonder if they will have enough to feed their family, if they will stay safe where they're living, or coping with the loss of someone, or dealing with any sort of disaster. And it totally puts it into focus what it is that matters in this world. And it turns out it's not your job, how much money you make, what you look like, what you wear, or where you live. And maybe that's why sometimes I find it so hard to really care about a lot of things. I guess it's a constant struggle to find that balance of caring enough to hold a job, be a good person, make a living, help others, etc yet to also have a complete grasp that ultimately none of that matters so it's never worth getting frantic or worrying or anticipating.

How do you balance? How do you not need to hear of some real struggle to be snapped back?

what are you thankful for?

So I've been kind of a debbie downer as of late, just letting all the little things snowball. And I thought instead of writing about stupid, irrelevant struggles I should focus on everything I'm thankful for, in honor of Thanksgiving...and well, the fact that I should be more thankful everyday.

Here it goes!
I am thankful...
for a comforting God, family, and friends,
for Allen who always makes me laugh, even when I don't want to
for my parents who put a roof over my head and pay for so much while I finish school
for a family I see so much that they drive me crazy
for the challenges in life that teach me
for music, it renews me
for my good health
for good food, because I like to eat :)
for nature, because its probably the most mind clearing 'thing' out there
And mostly, for my life and everyone it.

I am more blessed than I will ever fully realize. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I love you all.

a lil shmupdate

School makes me spaz out...a lot. Especially now, because of the added pressure of knowing that my grades will determine whether I get into Schusterman when I apply. No room for screwing up, no pressure right?

Allen bought an entire snowboard setup today. Boots, bindings, board, the whole shabang. Very pretty...er "gnarly"

This has gotten me pretty excited about the upcoming ski trip. I'm also ready for Christmas break because that means this semester will be OVER and I can kick back and have guilt free spare time.

I also just found out that I have to work black friday. That is my last day at Target. 5am. Sick.

I feel like my ambitions far exceed the time or energy I have. Christmas break cannot come soon enough.

feelin at ease

"We are vulnerable to fear only when we leave the present. If I drift into the past, my regrets surge up, my memories of failing and forsaking. If I shift into the future, I meet with doubt and delusion, fear of whats to come, what I'm not capable of controlling. It's in the present moment that I belong."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWfSA8mxpVY <--another one of my fav's from Carbon Leaf

I love moments where I feel like I'm at ease with everything in life. It sounds so simple but often times I find that I'm too busy fretting about the future that I forget to enjoy where I'm at. And a night out with good friends and conversations and fun helps as well ;)

I have always found comfort in this...

For everything there is a season, And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

mmm...TOASTY!

yes, the title of this post is in honor of the Quizno's I just inhaled, and is otherwise totally irrelevant.

Tomorrow's Friday. So after I survive my long day of chemistry I get my beloved two days of freedom from having to go to class or work. Life is good, but I find myself struggling for balance. I guess new dating excursions/relationships are great because you can get pretty wrapped up in the newness of it all...but at the same time I seem to totally lose track of myself. I think I just need some downtime. I've kind of neglected myself lately as funny as that may sound. Not cool.

Moving on to a less personal topic...I enrolled in my last 4 prereq classes for next semester. So, physics, zoology, physiology, and a redo of government. Somewhere in my 'spare time' I also need to look into job shadowing. I'm also trying to find a better paying part time job that will fit into my new schedule. Nicole has sold me on the idea of trying to get a waitressing job. Keepin my fingers crossed on that one. Tips = cash = good. :)

and another one of my favorites from Jason Mraz http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8hNTa-B4JI

Have a good one friends, it's almost the weekend!

Election overload...

I understand that electing a new president is big, but after about an hour of coverage I found myself escaping to comedy central for some Scrubs. I guess I'm not dedicated and I'd rather not hear speculations about who thinks who is going to win. I'd rather just wait til all the votes are counted and we have a new president. But since I don't pay the bills in this house, I will have to deal with the tv being stuck on the news for the next few hours. Ugh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25VGdNU3nrU <-- I love this song

a fresh start.

My lovely friend Kendra inspired me to start a new blog. So here it is!

(this will be a work in progress for awhile as far as appearances are concerned) :)