L.O.S.T.

...in every sense of the word.

Cue the circus music!

If life ever feels boring, I can assure you that welcoming 2 great dane pups into your home will bring much entertainment! I can now call my home a 3 ring circus. Funny that in the last year we went from no pets to a cat and 2 puppies. We have gotten quite a bit of feedback mostly along the lines that we are nuts to take on such large animals. I'm ok with that label, to each their own whether that be an itty bity dog or a dane.

Gosh I love these stinkers.....Expect some updates, mainly so you can go holy cow they're getting big....I still can't wrap my head around the fact that Roxy and Calvin are going to be like small horses walking around. Getting the fence finished on the yard will be a very very good thing for running and playing. Anyway, they're very playful, clumsy, and loveable.

caught in a daze....again

I'm so excited about the future that I can't concentrate on the present.
This presents a studying for finals dilemma. Motivation is running dry....pull it together!

If only I were Mary Poppins.... I'd snap my fingers and the jobs would be done.

Oklahoma leads the way!

http://www.pollen.com/allergy-weather-forecast.asp ... As someone with ridiculous allergies, I'm clearly living in the wrong place... Oh spring, I love and hate you.

MAY 10th! I can do this...

Faith.

Lately, I can't help but struggle with worrying and anxiety about everything from finding a job when I finish school and clinicals (JULY 29!) to making it through everything from now til the end of school, to affording my bills and student loans, to something happening to someone I love that it is no wonder I am consumed with everything that is not the present. While some dwell on the past, I dwell on the future. Which I mostly attribute to a time when my cares were for that day only, which are now, strangely enough, the times that I look back on and am grateful for. Because I truly lived in the face of fears, I took opportunities that now I think "wow, I can't believe I did that" Because everything in my reasoning and decision making now is so careful. Which I guess is part of growing up for me, because those times in the past did not come without bad decisions included.

I always worry. Always. I had to listen to a speaker for a class a couple days ago that talked about her battle with breast cancer. She's a few years older than me and had to go through a breast removal, chemo, and intense radiation therapy to fight this aggressive cancer. And it dawns on me that nothing in this life is for certain, so you might as well live to the fullest while you're here. It's so simple, right?

This is long and rambly but I do not take nearly enough time outs from "oh my gosh this test is coming up and I'm not ready, 20 page paper, anxiety about everything" to just breathe. Thank God for a sunny warm day. Appreciate the people I love while I am/they are here. And the answer that I feel I have been slacking on majorly is F.A.I.T.H. While none of what I am writing is profound, it is a constant challenge to choose faith. Here's some quotes, as a reminder to myself to always have faith, it will all be alright.

Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into.-- Mahatma Gandhi
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Fear clogs; Faith liberates.-- Elbert Hubbard
Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe.-- Gail Devers

peace at the bottom of a frozen latte

So, while I know emotional eating is not always the answer today was a day of frustrations. I found myself at Panera with a frozen mocha latte to cheer myself up. And somewhere between the observation of hearing some young girls sweat about geometry and driver's licenses "no way my picture is sooo much worse than yours" I couldn't help but think of a patient today that has melanoma glioblastoma, the absolute worst kind. It has metastisized to the patients' brain.

It is very true that everyone everywhere is having their battles and stresses and worries. It dawned on me as I reached the bottom of this fattening beverage that I felt that "be grateful THAT is your concern" feeling as I listened to people around me. Then I realized I'm a total hypocrit. I'm over here sweating the fact that I have exams to comp on and approximately 1.5 days of clinic to do it, and no techs who will let me scan while being so booked (thank you again, snow). Such is life. You gotta roll with the punches, everyone is fighting a battle somehow somewhere. There lies the peace in prayer.

Sunshine

The sun came out today! And it didn't snow or get to -9 degrees. It's a good day here in Oklahoma.

Today I have rerealized the glory of small indulgences and how happy I really can make myself. It's the simple things. I am blessed. God is good.

I was music/lyrics browsing online only to find myself lusting for some citizen cope. Sad news is all my citizen cope music I came across years ago at OSU is on my dusty, dinosaur age computer. Which has been sitting in the spare room at my parents for years now. I have to have hope that it still runs enough to get some of my music off of there. Too much effort for now....but one day I will cross my fingers, hold my tongue just right and hope that I can salvage my music off that old thing.

Love.

Organization is the name of the game.

confession....

i am the girl who has 500 + unread emails, keys that are consistently in a different place every time i find them, who lays down to sleep and remembers the things she forgot, who has multiple to-do lists that are rarely all complete before lost, who feels unsure of how to even live in an organized fashion, who makes too many trips to the store, text messages in her phone from over 2 years ago.

i would like to be the person who has all her change neatly in one place but not in an ugly old cup but not something that costs ten times too much. ideas? who has her papers neatly filed away, emails caught up on and purged as needed, who finishes a to do list, who knows exactly where things are, who isn't wasting life searching for her keys, or that jotted down note on the back of a reciept, or a bill or important number.

This is a pointless post really but I want to be more organized. And I think I've said that every year since I was able to comprehend that I truly am a scatterbrain.

SO.....in 2011, I hope to be more organized. Not because it really matters in the grand scheme of things, but that it really does make me feel less stressed which overall results in happier healthier Jenny. I've started this by going through stacks of papers, school stuff, home stuff, etc. in addition to reading tips on how to get organized. I've got this week left before I start back in full swing next Tuesday. Ready set go!

peace

allen and i seem to have been brought closer by knowing what we almost lost. obviously time will be the true teller as to whether almost losing each other helped us to better appreciate what we had lost in one another, but we have talked more than ever, and most of all refound that friendship in one another. we are working on things, with both of us having a new outlook on the relationship.

its easy to lose track of what you have til its gone, or almost gone. i know that there is always a chance i'm wrong and that one day i may eat my own words saying i should have known. but i don't feel like that now, i feel like we have fresh eyes for one another and that i would regret not seeing if it will work. i would rather know than wonder.

i have so many wonderful people that care about me who have expressed concern, and it means the world. i love all you guys.

where do i go from here?

So it's Christmas...and I'd be lying if I said things were ideal. I managed to get so stressed out by the uncertainty of my relationship that I got shingles, like painful chickenpox for old people. I am now educated about shingles and don't wish them upon anyone. Painful stuff. and now...for the raw honesty part.

Allen and I mutually decided we should break up. After years of friendship and some dating and over 2 years together. Things have been confusing for some time and I know that we both feel this is the right decision. We both still deeply care for one another and have learned an immense amount. I am obviously heartbroken. It hurts a lot. Anyway, we shall see what the future holds. There was just too much uncertainty for both of us that had developed. I always said knowing is better than wondering. God I hope so. I feel like I bounce between feeling numb about it all and feeling hysterical. I have now found a use for this blog...while this post is not positive and looking toward the future, that is what I will need to use this to focus my thoughts on.

As for right now, just need to make it through the holidays. And try to function in public. This post sounds so miserable but I just need to vent because when I'm around people I do not want to think or talk about it, because that's when I'm fine

I hope all of you are enjoying the holidays.

verbal throw-up

I hate that I only make the time to write something when I'm feeling troubled. I just can't shake the blahs right now. I still have a million things to do but I think I just need to take a time out.

Sometimes its hard to see all I have to be thankful for. I have lovely friends, a supportive family, a boyfriend, goals, a job, something to strive for, a cat I love an insane amount...so why, with so much good do I feel discontent.

Maybe it has to do with waking up early every day and driving through ridiculous construction and traffic, which has become a 50 minute drive some days. Or working part time at Target with people I don't relate to. Or constantly stressing or feeling nervous about school, tests, clinic, etc. Somewhere in there I'm supposed to maintain friendships, relationships....SO, while so far (still 2 finals to go) I am doing very well in this program, literally every other aspect of my life is suffering. I don't even know that my boyfriend and I know each other anymore, we certainly do not get to do anything together. I have a cat that sits alone most the day and evening waiting for someone to come home. The house is unkept, my clothes strewn about. I am exhausted, in every sense of the word. I eat, sleep a little, study, and work. Rinse, repeat.

I know that x-mas break will begin for me late Monday afternoon and I will have 4 weeks of freedom from school. Maybe that will refresh me. This grind has gotten me down.


I love you friends. So sorry I do not seem to exist in anyone's life these days.

i think i can i think i can....

8 more days of class/clinic til Thanksgiving break

Just one more case study paper (+all the research), present finished presentation, make one more presentation, 3 tests, 3 quizzes, physics hw, 4 days of working, early thanksgiving celebration, rotate tires, buy groceries, dr appt, kitty to vet, plus whatever else gets added on.

cake, right? :/

burnt out...

I could go for a spot on this bench right about now...

Other people's opinion of you does not have to become your reality.- Les Brown

Spirit can walk, spirit can swim, spirit can climb, spirit can crawl. There is no terrain you cannot overcome. ~Terri Guillemets

Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been erected in honor of a critic. ~Jean Sibelius

It was a rough day in the ER... nothin like someone putting you down in front of everyone. Time #2 in all my clinic rotations that I wanted to cry. And it was the same place as time #1. How ironic. I despise being a student today.

New day.

Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. ~Fyodor Dostoevsky

We are seldom happy with what we now have, but would go to pieces if we lost any part of it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden, or looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi desert. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator. He will not be striving for it as a goal in itself. He will have become aware that he is happy in the course of living life twenty-four crowded hours of the day. ~W. Beran Wolfe

i've never been more lost by whats going on.... scared, confused, and tryin to stay composed.

i will pray, because beyond that...i have no idea what to do or think anymore. my heartaches thinkin of the worst. i just want the ability to erase it from my mind.

what a deal!

Highlight of today-

finally went to use my VS coupon that is good through today. expected to only get one bra for the going rate of 50 buckaroos. Oh no....2 bras, 1 underwears for about 42 bucks. I must have looked like I had a rough day walkin in there in my baggy scrubs and frumpy hair. The girl looked like she pitied me and gave me a better deal than was neccessary. So yes...thank you ms. VS worker girl (ya know...tryin to sound like those bud commercials).

2 tests, 1 presentation, 1 project, 2 quizzes, and hospital rotations.....and a partridge in a pear tree.

delirium is setting in...and its monday. wish me luck, this week is a doozie. yep. ddooozie.

Inspiration

Lately...

Life is a struggle.

I'm not sure what's happened to me or my happiness. So I'll keep on tryin...because that's all I know to do.

And maybe buy some music. :/